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‘The wheels came off our relationship’: My ex-boyfriend paid $2,000 for a trip. Now he desires his a reimbursement. Am I obligated to pay?

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Dear Quentin,

I’ve learn your column for years — and like many individuals, I think about, by no means thought I’d be writing in myself. But right here we’re!

This letter isn’t about inheritance or divorce and even about marrying my accomplice for his Social Security. (I instructed you I learn them.) I’m newly single, and I’ve an moral problem with my ex-boyfriend. We met about 5 months in the past, and he was only a delight from the very starting: engaged, humorous, upbeat and assured and, most of all, he actually appreciated me. I felt valued and cherished. I believed, “There are good men in the world.” But then the wheels got here off our relationship. 

After we had been courting for 3 months, he provided to take me on a visit to the Caribbean. I used to be nearly to show 40, and I work as a public-school instructor, so I don’t are likely to have the cash to splurge on fancy holidays. I hesitated about whether or not to simply accept, however he was so insistent and we had been each caught up in what may or could possibly be, so I stated sure, and we had a tremendous time. I estimate he spent about $2,000 on my share of the journey, together with the airfare and resort room. We got here dwelling and continued thus far. I felt like a newlywed. We had been each having fun with the primary flush of our romance.

‘He spent about $2,000 on my share of the trip, including the airfare and hotel room. We came home and continued to date. I felt like a newlywed. We were both enjoying the first flush of our romance.’

Real life bought in the best way. He works on Wall Street, and clearly spends lengthy hours on the workplace. Dinners bought canceled, our telephone calls and texts turned more and more erratic, and I began to really feel like he was not as invested within the relationship as he had been in these early months. My job can also be tense. Teaching a classroom stuffed with 14-year-olds requires a number of vitality and, like most academics, I’ve my share of difficult college students. The bloom wore off the rose, or the sheen wore off his smile. He didn’t appear to be the identical happy-go-lucky boyfriend. We missed a weekend or two, and ultimately drifted aside.

On our final assembly (lunch, not even dinner), when it turned clear that I used to be not as invested within the relationship as I as soon as was (neither was he, to be sincere), he stated, “I should have charged you for that vacation!” He gave me this piercing look, as if I had taken his ATM card and withdrawn the $2,000 from his account myself. I used to be greatly surprised. I used to be shocked that this as soon as beneficiant and gregarious man would say one thing so reducing, however was additionally confronted with a ethical and moral dilemma. 

Do I pay him again for the birthday journey? I did purchase a number of meals whereas we had been there that most likely added as much as about $450, and I additionally picked up the invoice for taxis and different miscellaneous bills in an try to indicate my appreciation, though I didn’t spend $2,000 over the course of the weekend. I’ve not heard from him in about two weeks and, frankly, I used to be postpone by this remark. It appeared like an entire 180 from his demeanor and persona within the early days of our courtship. What do you say, Mr. Moneyist?

Happily Single (Again)

Also learn: ‘It’s superb what number of guys use an image from 10 years in the past’: Will Tinder video courting smoke out creeps, time wasters and liars?

Dear Single,

Romance is a grizzly disguised as a teddy bear. It seems like one massive lengthy cuddle at first, however ultimately actuality bites you within the bottom.

When we’re within the early days of a romance, we idealize the opposite individual, they usually do the identical with us. We usually are not three-dimensional, absolutely realized figures. We are — absent of our faults and annoying habits — who the opposite individual needs we had been: uncomplicated, joyful, unburdened by the every day slog. But romance, like the sensation we get after we purchase a brand new coat or sweater, wears off. We begin to spot the sagging shoulders and worn material, and it turns into one other drab merchandise hanging in our closet. 

I’m reminded of the lyrics of “Sex Bomb” by Mousse T. and Tom Jones: “Now you found the secret code I use/To wash away my lonely blues/So I can’t deny or lie cause you’re/The only one to make me fly.” But I substitute the lyrics in my head. Instead of “Sex bomb! Sex bomb!” I consider, “Love bomb! Love bomb!” Yes, he love-bombed you. When somebody you barely know showers you with compliments and presents, it’s normally as a result of they’ve found out what you need or want: consideration, affection and a whirlwind journey to brush you off your toes.

‘Romance, like the feeling we get when we buy a new coat or sweater, wears off. We start to spot the sagging shoulders and worn fabric, and it becomes another drab item hanging in our closet.’

He found out what you needed, and gave it to you. You are a public-school instructor who isn’t usually in a position to fly away on the drop of a hat. Public-school academics within the New York metropolitan space earn a mean of simply over $80,000. That’s not lots for what I think about to be the probably the most essential — if not an important — job on this planet. Actually, pay a public-school instructor a Wall Street dealer’s six-figure wage and a Wall Street dealer the public-school instructor’s wage. That’s the world I want to stay in! He found out what you needed, as a result of he needed you. 

If he gave you a guide on your birthday and later requested you for the cash again, what would you do or say? If he purchased you a birthday dinner after which requested for the $125, excluding tip, would you sprint to an ATM or Venmo him the money? You may wish to get him off your again and ensure he’s in your rearview mirror, however acquiescing to such a churlish demand would additionally undermine the goodwill of that second for each of you. It’s an unreasonable and uncouth request.

The value you paid for that trip is processing the offensiveness of his request and the awkwardness you are feeling. The value he paid for his love bomb is $2,000.

You can electronic mail The Moneyist with any monetary and moral questions associated to coronavirus at, and observe Quentin Fottrell on Twitter.

Check out the Moneyist non-public Facebook group, the place we search for solutions to life’s thorniest cash points. Readers write to me with all kinds of dilemmas. Post your questions, inform me what you wish to know extra about, or weigh in on the newest Moneyist columns.

Here are more moderen columns by Quentin Fottrell:

‘I feel very hurt’: My late spouse’s dad and mom lower me out of their will — and diminished my daughter’s inheritance. We’re being punished after I remarried. What will we do?

I wish to rescue my son from his ‘tiny’ 800-square-foot house. Should I purchase him a house, and have him signal a promissory be aware?

‘I don’t use money’: I’m 70 and my house is paid off. I stay off Social Security, and I exploit a bank card for all my spending. Is that dangerous?

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